Rock. Hard Place.
I have often thought of myself as being a resident of this No Man’s Land, the place between these two locations. The Rock is Polygamy and the Hard place is leaving it all and being single.
But No Man’s Land isn’t somewhere you can reside, settle down and feel content. It’s somewhere you need to leave as quickly as possible, for the sake of self-preservation.
Polygamy and its legitimacy isn’t going to change, and so the only thing that’s going to work is a change in myself. But it’s a big change in mindset that’s needed, one that’s has been cemented in place by society, culture and the ego. But we are all changing – growing, adjusting – it’s part of our nature. We are not made of cement but of soft clay that can be remoulded. I once thought I could never have a decent night’s sleep if I cosleep with my baby, but I now do this all the time – I changed. I thought I could never be happy and stress-free in polygamy, but now I think there is a chance.
There are certain things that can’t change: the need to eat for example – our basic instincts. Jealousy is a natural trait and it doesn’t help to deny that and try to change this. But we can change perspectives on the triggers of jealousy – realising love can be shared for example – and also reconsider our overwhelming reactions, which can often lead to regret. How could giving the cold shoulder because a husband spent one hour extra at the other wife’s place actually increase our husband’s love for us and cause him to consider our feelings more?
Change is hard, and it hurts, like a marathon runner hitting the wall and getting through it – you won’t expect a smile beaming from their face, but rather a grimace of pain. Change means feeling uncomfortable, and that’s OK, because to move forward and move upwards will be worth it insha Allah.
The No Man’s Land I inhabited was certainly not a comfort zone which is why I knew I had to change. But how was another matter; I knew I couldn’t just snap my fingers, smile serenely and feel ‘Hey! Polygamy is cool by me.’
So this is a big part of why I started this blog, and so I hope some of my thoughts are helping anyone else who is a position that they too have to change, and get out of the monogamy comfort zone and away from any hard places.